Desperation

My daughter, Miranda had a few bad days with the kidney stone.  I went to see her Sunday and she looked like she felt better.  She has gone back to work and says she hasn't had any pain in days.  I am thankful to God that she is not suffering anymore!

Since I have been diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis (IC) I have had chronic pain.  I have chronic pelvic, back and sciatic pain.  I have tried several different treatments and I have had some improvements, but the sciatica seems to be worse.  I recently decided to go to pain management.  In my mind this was always a last resort.  I would only go if I had exhausted all my other options.  Well, here I am.  It seems there are no other options and I am desperate.

My appointment was scheduled for this week.  I went with high expectations and a hopeful heart.  After a brief discussion with the pain management doctor, we decided to try a steroid injection in my sacroiliac joint.  The thought process was that my issue may be sacroiliitis instead of sciatica.  It seemed like a good option with minimal risk.

After the injection I went to work and felt good for that day.  The next day I felt good too.  I thought this was the "magic" I needed.  However, by Wednesday my sciatica came back.

Last Sunday morning after I first woke up I reached out to move some clothes and I hollered out in pain.  I had pulled a muscle in my back.  So I had started taking muscle relaxers.  After thinking about, the couple of days when I felt good were when I was taking the muscle relaxers.  Whatever the reason the pain is still there so I will have to keep trying.

When you are in desperate situations you do desperate things.  I was recently at a small Bible study group.  We were discussing the betrayal of Peter.  He felt desperate and he denied Jesus three times.  Sounds like a terrible thing to do but if we were in Peter's situation we may have done the same thing. We might even do it on a daily basis and don't even realize it.

Peter said he would stand by Jesus even if he had to die with him.  He said he would never disown him. He denied Him three different times.  After Peter realized what had happened his faith was made stronger.  I told the small group that it reminded me of my life with IC.  When I first became sick  I believe my faith was being tested.  Even though I was a Christian I questioned why I was suffering.  It was as if I was relying on just myself to make it through the difficult times.

 "The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: "Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times."  And he went outside and wept bitterly."  Luke 22: 61-62

Through this whole crazy ride at least one thing has improved.  I know I trust God through the most negative of circumstances.  I have developed a deeper dependence on God.  I rely on God and His Word to make it through each day.

We can say what we think we will do in certain circumstances but until we are "warming by the fire of the enemy" we do not know exactly what we will do.  We can build our faith by studying God's word, praying and making every effort to make God first in our lives so that we can hopefull have a faith building experience...just like Peter. 

Peter warming by the fire.

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No Mama

It was 6:31 a.m.and my phone rang. There is never good news on the other end when your phone rings at such an early hour. Especially at my house. Most of my family and friends know that I have trouble sleeping, so I am a late riser. Come to think of it I have always been a late riser by nature.


On the other end was my daughter. She was at the Emergency Room with pain and nausea. She has had this a couple times before and she pretty much knew it was another kidney stone. She woke up about 3:00 am in pain and knew she needed to see a doctor.


She called me and asked if I could come up there. As I was getting dressed to go meet her and her husband at the hospital, I was texting her husband and asking various questions. I asked if she needed anything and what time he had to go to work.


He then called me and told me that she had thrown up and her pain level dropped to about a five. I said that I still wanted to go to the hospital. He said that she was feeling much better now.


A few minutes later she called me and I told her I was on my way up there. But she said in that certain tone that I know she really means it, “No Mama.” She said she shouldn't have even bothered me and that she doesn't have as much pain and that she will be fine.


I didn't like it, but I decided not to go. I went back to sleep, so I could rest some more before I went to work. I sent her husband a text about 10:00 and asked if they were at home now. He said that they were still there waiting on the lab work and the results from the CT scan.


She spent almost seven hours in the Emergency Room. They said she had a kidney stone and a UTI. I said did her urine culture came back positive? I was told yes, but I have my doubts. They put her on an anti-biotic anyway. I just hope that they put her on the right anti-biotic, so that she will be feeling much better in a couple of days.


Later that evening, after work, I went to their house to check on my “little girl.” I stopped at the store and bought her a little care pack that included a stuffed pink Easter bunny, a fun little metal bunny with a bell and a heat wrap for the pain.


It wasn't much, but I just wanted her to know that I loved her, that I was thinking of her. I also understand what it is like to be in pain. It was somewhat difficult to hear “No Mama” when I wanted to go take care of my one and only “little girl.”


But she is grown and has someone else that takes care of her now. It is similar to we decide to let Jesus in our heat, start studying His word and have a close prayer relationship with Him. Then we grow closer in our walk with Him. And He is always there by our side to take care of us.


As a believer starts maturing in their daily walk with Him, the things of the world don't seem as important. Our priorities change and we become more humble and want to share the Gospel with others. When we share with others it is important that we don't “get in the way.” Just as I don't need to “get in the way” of Miranda's husband taking care of her.

My daughter is maturing and things that used to matter to her don't matter anymore.  But I am glad she has someone to take care of her and always be by her side: Me, Jesus and her husband!

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The Guessing Game

Wednesday was a crazy day. I went to work at my church for two hours. I really enjoy working there. I am able to talk to and learn from my Pastor more. There is always someone from my church family dropping by and I can chit chat with them. And the surroundings are...shhh.... peaceful and quiet...I really like that!


I left church and went for my yearly eye exam. I explained that I was having some difficulty seeing smaller numbers. She changed my bifocal prescription so that it would be stronger. I decided to keep the same frames and I still had to pay a rather large sum. Especially on my new lower income. I charged it. I should have enough money saved up by the time the bill is due to pay it off. I will also receive a discount the next time I shop on Amazon. Credit cards are okay, I think, if you use them wisely.


When I left there I went to work at the Construction Company. There was a lot of paper shredding that needed to be done so I worked on that for a while. I sat on the floor and fed sheet after sheet until the shredder was full. Then I bagged it up and took it outside.


By the time I went home my bladder was very unhappy with me. She let me know it in a very painful way. My bladder was hurting more that it has in a long time. My stomach was swollen, my pelvic area was painful, my back pain and sciatica had kicked it up a notch or two. I began to play the guessing game...was it because I sat on the floor? Could it be something I ate or drank? What about the weather and all that pollen?? 

I never win at the guessing game. I believe that Interstitial Cystitis, Fibromyalgia (Fibro), etc., etc. are going to do what they want to do, when they want to do it, no matter what I do. Of course I also believe there are certain things that I do to try to keep peace with my bladder and my Fibro. I watch my diet and exercise. I also do the three P's: Play music, Pray and take Pain Pills. But not necessarily in that order. But I do strongly believe that Prayer is one of the most powerful things I can do as Christian. I also think a distraction such as music helps me concentrate on something else other than the pain. And pain pills help me have a semi-normal life at times.


My bladder was telling me to stay home, but my heart longed for more Christian fellowship. I ignored her and went to church. My heart was blessed in more ways than one. Being with other Christians was heartwarming. We divided up into small groups. My group was talking about “Giving” in the church or tithing. One of my fellow Christians pointed out that we are supposed to have Faith when we are giving to God. He spoke about the Widow's offering. She gave everything that she had. Those words really stood out in my head. And I am thankful that he reminded me of this.

“Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts.  But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.” Mark 12:41-42

There was also a little girl at church. I had just meet her Sunday when I sat and talked with her and some of her friends. She asked her Grandfather if she could sit with me. She sat right beside me and let me hug her like we had known each other all her life. She asked me if I remembered her name and I did. Then I asked if she remembered my name and she did. She made me forget the pain for a while. She made my day by spending time with me...I love children. I stayed until about 8:30. It was a day filled with waaaaay too much sitting, doing and going for me, but also full of blessings.  Since I didn't win the guessing game I won the blessing game!

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I Am Toast

 This what I feel like by Friday!

Toast...I am toast.  I could not wait to go home after work, put on my jammies, fire up my heating pads and go to sleep.  I took something to help me sleep, but go figure, I couldn't fall asleep.  

As I tossed and turned and stretched trying to be comfortable enough to fall asleep, the pain was just too much for me to take.  The pain and the game of talking, laughing and pretending that I am not a miserable mess was just too much!!  By Friday, after working all week, etc, etc....I am toast!

When Alan came home I wanted to talk to him and spend a few minutes with him.  I was getting ready to go back to bed and walked away.  He said "Barbara," "Barbara."  I came back to him almost in tears. I said "Why did you call me Barbara?  You always call me "bb."  I knew that I was at my breaking point.  I decided to take a pain pill and go to bed. Do you ever feel that way??!! He didn't mean anything bad by it.   I knew I was overly sensitive, so they best thing for me to do was rest.

My dear sweet husband went to pick up our supper, so we didn't have to literally eat toast for supper.  I took a hot bath with Epsom salt before he came back home.  I felt better my the time he came back.

                                             I can really relate to her!
When I found out that the Administrative Assistant at our church was starting another job, I walked up to the Pastor and said "I will help."  "I can't do much, but I will do what I can." I musta been feelin' good that day, lol. So officially this week I started working at the church on Wednesdays.  I really enjoyed my first day.  The Holy Spirit has been leading me to help in this part of our church's ministry for a long time.

This week I worked at the church and then needed to go straight to my Construction Company job.  Then I went back to church for Bible study that evening...I am beginning to smell something...it smells like toast!

The next day after work, Alan and I meet Miranda at a restaurant to celebrate her 24th birthday...Boy, that makes me feel old!  We all enjoyed ourselves very much.  Even though I loved the time spent with my daughter immensely it contributed to my toast feeling even more.

 


Each week I work I end up feeling like toast, but each week I also feel blessed to have my beautiful daughter, my caring husband and my church family.  I have a lot of struggles, but I can still do what God needs me to do.  He can use me through my struggles and make me stronger than I ever thought I could be.

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Who Needs Wisdom?

Well Informed Owl

We were going to take a small trip to a Dog Show. Alan has been training a dog for a friend and wanted to show her at a nearby Bench Show.  We wanted to eat at a  particular, small restaurant on the way.  So we sort of had it planned out. Right??!! 

The only thing we needed was the exact address of the clubhouse so I could enter it into my phone to find directions.  We called the contact number before we left the house.  No return call.  We called several times along the way.  No return call.  We were starting to get frustrated.

Alan knew the general vicinity so we headed that way with the dog in the back of my car in a large carrier.  She is a large dog and she needed a bath.  It was a mixture of coon hound dog odor and the scent of cedar shavings from her dog house...Thank you Lord for cedar shavings!!

The closer we drew to the start time of the event, the more frustrating it was.  Alan was complaining about the traffic, etc., but I knew that if we were late it was really poor planning on our part.

I mean who takes off on a journey and doesn't have the exact directions,maybe not enough money to do everything needed and is racing against the clock?  Hmm, sounds very familiar in so many ways!! 

That sounds exactly like an Interstitial Cystitis (IC) journey.  You don't know exactly where to go or what to do or if you will have enough money to do everything needed.  It feels like you have to do or try as many different treatments, diets or pills (when you least feel like doing anything) or one day you will find yourself alone, miserable and broke...at least that is the way I feel!

The best way I know to avoid this is to learn and research as much as possible about different treatment plans from reliable sources.  Use all your resources to shop for the lowest prices on medications. Ask your doctor for samples. Use online coupons whenever possible.  Ask other patients were they find the best deals and what treatments have worked for them.  It is wise to start planning for your future or retirement as soon as possible by paying off as many bills as possible now and set aside some money for when you retire or are not able to work anymore.

 

So many plans, ideas and dreams change completely when you are on an IC journey, but it is not all bad.  I feel like I am planning better for my eternal future since I have been sick.  I am more concerned about pleasing my Heavenly Father and doing what He wants me to do.  But I am not perfect in any way and I need His guidance every day!!
 
We finally found our way to the Dog Show by the Grace of God. I did pray along the way that we would make it on time. There were so many twists and turns along the way I never would have figured it out on my own.  We made it in plenty of time for the Show and were so relieved.

She even won "Best of Show."  The only way it could have went better was if we had planned and prepared better before we started on our journey.

Sweet Lexi

Lexi on the bench on her way to victory

 Whooo wants to share your thoughts with me below?

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My Old Stomping Grounds

Last Sunday I had an amazing opportunity.  I went with a group from our church to my old stomping grounds.  Into the community where I grew from a baby to an adult...into the neighborhood where I was "born and raised."

I lived in a mill community.  My Mom and Dad both worked in a mill close to our house.  I used to walk to and from school until I was about eleven.  I even remember milk being delivered in a glass bottle to our porch...boy, I'm old!!

Down my street and across the highway there was an restaurant that served ice cream.  They may have even served other things like food and drinks, but all I remember was the ice cream. I was always trying to save enough money to buy ice cream cone.

My best friend and I used to have yard sales, talent shows (really??) all to raise money for ice cream or candy.  Oh, yes there was a company drugstore that had a  small grocery store in the back.  It had a glass case filled with all sorts of candy like Tootsie Rolls, Bazooka Bubble Gum and Sixlets!  Each piece was only a penny.  Yes, only one penny!!

When I was older I started "hanging out" at the Post Office.  Hey, don't judge me!  It was were all the older kids with"street smarts" hung out.  And I thought I fit in perfectly.  And of course I did until my Mom would come to the end of our street and yell for me to come home.  How embarrassing!!!

We went into the community that our church is in to do a short survey.  To find out what the community thinks some of the needs are and what we as a church can do to help with those needs.  We literally went from house to house and door to door. 

If you remember last Sunday was when daylight savings began.  It was the worst day of the year when you lose ONE WHOLE hour!  I was tired all day and I tried to take a nap more than once, but I couldn't fall asleep!

So exhausted little ole me went to walk the streets just like I was a normal, healthy human being.  Our group of ladies went up and down about twelve, steep flights of stairs to ring the door bell or knock on every door we could.  My group was kind enough slow down their pace so that I could keep up with them.

I had been praying about this opportunity for my church for weeks.  I was pretty sure that was all I would be capable of doing.  Walking that much seemed liked it would be impossible for me to do.

As it turned out I did it and I wasn't even sore the next day from walking or climbing steps.  In fact I was fine!  I was truly amazed and thankful.  We were able to reach a few families who seemed to have some real interest in our church and others just had some general questions.

Many times there are outreach opportunities in my church that I think I will not be able to be a part of at all. Sometimes I am just so mentally and physically exhausted that I'm not sure how God can even use me.  But as I grow in my walk with the Lord (pun intended)  I hope that I will be blessed to be a part of more opportunities to serve Him.  I'm glad I had the strength to get out of my comfort zone and show love for church, my heavenly Father and the community that means so much to me.

Set It Free

As I was leaving church last Sunday I walked out to the parking lot and heard "You backed into me!" "No you backed into me!  As they were backing out of the parking lot a truck hit a car or...a car hit a truck.

The first thing I did was ask if anyone was hurt.  They all said no. The tension of the discussion had me a little flustered, but I am more anxious now that I have Interstitial Cystitis and so many other medical problems.  I was calm enough to suggest that we call the Police and let them decide as a unbiased third party.  The lady driving the car had her cell phone out and dialed 911.

The driver of the car and I started talking.  Her husband and the other gentleman were chit chatting as well.  It didn't take the Policeman long to arrive at the scene. He took their credentials and began to prepare the report.

I continued jabbering the whole time and enjoyed getting to know her better, but I was starting to feel tired.  However I thought it was important to provide them with moral support regardless of how I felt.  The police report stated that they were both at fault and each needed to contact their insurance carrier and no one was charged.  We all said our good byes and went our separate ways.


This Sunday I saw her at church.  We talked about the fender bender.  She stated the there was no need in being upset about it.  She said it would not have helped anyone for them to be agitated about the situation.  In other words she didn't let it bother her.  She decided to not have any bitter feelings about the whole situation.

It made me think about this song "Forgiveness" by Matthew West. Most of the time we are so busy trying to "be right" about something we don't care about who we hurt in the process.  It takes courage to forgive and sometimes it is not easy but it is important.  It is important for us because it sets us free.  
Staying mad at someone even when they treat you wrong can bring on much unneeded stress and sometimes medical problems in our lives.

So the next time you are mad at someone and need to forgive them follow that whisper inside your head that is saying "set it free" do yourself a favor and let it go.  Ask God to help you to do what seems impossible...set it free!

Feel free to leave any comments below.  I would love to hear your thoughts.

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