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Sunday, January 5, 2014

Why NOT Me?

“So long, sucker! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha …”  
POW! POW! POW!  I woke up to a noise that sounded like gun shots! I went to bed at 9:00 that night because I felt so awful. I had felt terrible all week. I wasn't sleeping more than a couple of hours at a time.  It was taking me a couple of hours to fall back to sleep and this night much to my disappointment was no different.

I think I would have paid my neighbors not to shoot those fireworks that woke me up.  I needed sleep more than anything else.  I wonder if they would have taken the money and used it to buy more fireworks!??!  Or would they have told their children that they couldn't shoot fireworks this year because we live near a crazy lady who doesn't have any New Year's spirit!!!

All week my Firbromyalgia (fibro) had been flaring.  I felt achy all over, my head hurt, my hair hurt, my feet hurt and everything in between.  But I had to crawl out of my only place of comfort (my bed) and go to work.  By the second day I was miserable.  I went to work and we needed to box up 2013 files...the last thing that I wanted to be doing.  Fortunately for me it would be a short day and we would leave early.  I was looking forward to going home and going to bed!  Then I remembered I had a doctor's appointment at 4:00.  No rest for the weary!

As I waited in the doctor's office I was in fear for my life again.  There were so many sick people!!  A little boy that was sitting very close to me was coughing.  His mother said he had been lying around all day and not talking (How did I know this? She was on her cell phone and I heard every word of her conversation...Don't get me started on that!).  Another lady walked in that looked like she had just crawled out of bed.  At least she had a towel around her mouth to save me from the germs.   I tried to melt into my seat, hold my head low and pretend I was invisible so the germs would not invade me.

When they called my name out to go back, I moved quickly. I was hoping to be safe from the germs.  When I made it back to the final destination I quickly washed my hands and hoped for the best.  A mere 2 hours later I was back in my car to head home.  Of course I needed to drop off some prescriptions at the  Pharmacy first and then I could finally go home and rest.

When I'm in a fibro flare sleeping is difficult. I go to bed early in hopes of getting plenty of sleep.  Then I toss and turn and flip and flop for hours before drifting off to sleep.  It hurts my skin to touch anything.  I feel like my skin is crawling and I just can't be still.  It is a terrible feeling because I am dead tired, but I can't go to sleep.  This is after I have taken several sedating medications and a sleeping pill!

My legs were hurting, my shoulder was hurting, my bladder was hurting and my back was hurting.  I had 3 heating pads in bed with me.  It was hard to decide where to place the heating pads.  I decided on my legs, shoulder and bladder.  Of course I rotated some of it around during the 2 hours.  I was also having hot flashes.  I would start out hot and kick all the cover off of me, then I would be cold and I would put all the cover back on me only to start the cycle again and again.  What a night!  I woke up every couple of hours and it took me just as long to get back to sleep.

On New Year's Day the only time I left the house was to go pick up my prescriptions.  My husband drove and on the way home it reminded me of how I felt after my surgeries.  My body was weak, my bladder was burning, I had vaginal burning, it hurt for anything to touch my pelvic area (including clothes and the seat belt).  Everything that usually hurts was in overdrive!  So for me the Interstitial Cystitis and the fibro combined make me feel as if I have just woke up from anesthesia, right after someone sliced me open and took out my insides...yep, that about sums it up...and oh yeah, I even had the severe nausea that I pretty much have now on a daily basis to go along with it.

When I am flaring and not able to sleep I want to use the time to at least pray, but my brain is so tired that I have trouble doing even that.  I am sick!  I have to concentrate on making my body feel better and it uses all my energy.  I can barely take care of myself much less think of others.  This is very hard for me.  It feels so selfish.  I want to do more, but I can' body just won't let me.  So then I can add guilt and depression to the list of things I am feeling.

By Thursday I started feeling better.  Life was good and I was so thankful for so many things. I had peace in my heart.  Is that the reason I go through all of this??  To make me more thankful for good days and to have more empathy for others when I feel better??  Maybe so, but it is hard to be patient and remember any of that when I am going through it.  I just feel miserable and I want to stay in bed, stay away from others and just rest!

The other day I talked to a fellow Christian friend that has fibro and faces other health challenges with her children.  We talked about how we say "Why me Lord?"  But as she pointed out, why NOT me?  She explained that her challenges have put her in situations to witness to people that she never would have met if not for the challenges she faces.  I feel the same way.  I want to use my pains and sorrows to let others know that there can be peace and our relationship with Him is still the same no matter what is going on in our life.

Prayer for the day: "Father, I thank You for the peace You have given to me, which does not depend on feelings or circumstances." from Billy Graham's website:


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